Little Miss MARY Sue
by Christina Conlon
Summary: Bad news!  Magdalena Arabella Rossette Yasmine Siena Ullenyetta Evalee has found her way to the Manhattan Lodging House, and is slowly bringing the Newsies under her spell of perfection.  And the only one immune to her powers is... SNODDY?
1. The Perfect Beginning

**Little Miss M.A.R.Y. (Sue)**

By: Christina Conlon

**M**agdalena **A**rabella **R**ossette **Y**asmine **S**iena **U**llenyetta **E**valee pranced down the streets of Manhattan like a pony, her shimmering blonde locks bouncing playfully around her shoulders, her big, blue eyes sparkling like two giant diamonds – reflecting hidden depths of wisdom and sorrow – that were shoved into her sockets. Except, shoved in gracefully, tenderly, and _perfectly_, because that's exactly what this girl was – _perfect_.

Her face was flawless, with a cute, petite, _perfect_ button nose placed at the _perfect_ location between her _perfect_ eyes, just above her cherry-red, glossy, delectable, _perfect_ lips; and all this _perfectness_ was crammed – _perfectly_ – onto her milky-skinned, freckle-free, _perfect_ heart-shaped head.

Her dress was a pure white, without a single stain despite the sewage and dying people and horse dung lying around her. It fit her form _perfectly_, showing off her _perfectly_ round – but not too round – hips, and her buxom – but not too buxom – chest, which bounced with every graceful, angelic, _perfect _step she took.

Despite her sweet, carefree, _perfect_ expression, this girl knew she had a mission – a glorious mission, a _perfect_ mission, in which she had to go and destroy- er, infiltrate the world of Newsies.

Magdalena Arabella Rossette Yasmine Siena Ullenyetta Evalee paused, and looked up at the sky – which shone that much brighter out of the sheer joy that her beautiful glittering eyes were gazing upon its lowly existence (for what purpose does the sky serve than to be looked at by her?) – remembering what had happened only moments before.

_*Perfect _Flashback*

"_What should we do, Spock? We can't just keep her here! She'll escape for sure!"_

"_Captain, please try to remain calm. I am currently formulating a plan of action."_

_The Starship Captain paced around the room wildly, biting his thumbnail and continuously glancing over at the giant metal cage. Inside the cage sat Magdalena Arabella Rossette Yasmine Siena Ullenyetta Evalee, wearing fishnet leggings and high-heeled boots under her golden uniform. Captain Kirk quickly looked away, for fear of being ensnared by her _perfectness_ once again._

"_I have an idea," said Spock suddenly, causing Kirk to jump and the imprisoned beauty to look up in _perfect_ surprise. "We shall dump her into another fandom."_

_Captain Kirk hesitated, but finally nodded his assent. "She cannot terrorize the world of Star Trek any longer!" he growled, and hurried over to one of the computers, pulling up a list of all the different fandoms._

"_But which one?" he murmured aloud. Spock stood from his seat and walked over to peer over the other man's shoulder._

"_Naruto?" he suggested. Kirk shook his head._

"_No, that world is messed up enough as it is." He replied. Spock scanned the list, tilting his head._

"_The Wizard of Oz?"_

"_We can't ruin a classic!"_

"_Very well then. The Hunger Games?"_

"_Do you _want_ to be mauled by angry fans?"_

"_Hmm… Ouran High School Host Club?"_

"_Nah, they've already got their own version of her. Name's Haroohee, or something like that."_

"_I see. Fascinating. How about…" They both froze, eyes landing simultaneously on the same title. Kirk and Spock turned to looked at each other, their eyes filled with both remorse and relief._

"_We have no choice," Kirk said somewhat guiltily._

"_There is no other option," Spock agreed gravely. They both turned to face their prisoner, who gave them a cute, innocent, _perfect_ little wave._

"_We'll send her to the Newsies."_

*End _Perfect_ Flashback*

Magdalena Arabella Rossette Yasmine Siena Ullenyetta Evalee giggled _perfectly_ at the memory. Those two men had been so nice, and so handsome too! They had even sent her to this cute little world, which was sure to be filled with more attractive boys.

The Manhattan Lodging House came into view, and the girl skipped up the front steps and knocked politely, _perfectly_, on the rickety wooden door. At her touch, the rotting wood instantly revitalized into a gleaming, polished, _perfect_ door, with golden knob and hinges, and bright green vines burst from the living wood, crawling up the wall of the Lodging House and spreading the sheer _perfectness_ to every corner of the building. Bright rainbow flowers burst from their buds, showering the ground below with glitter and what appeared to be stardust. Some of it landed elegantly, _perfectly_ in the girl's hair just as Kloppman opened the door.

The elderly man was instantly taken by her beauty, and with one sweeping glance, realized that she _must_ be running from someone awful – bless her _perfect_ soul – and would need a safe haven in which to rest.

"Hurry, my dear, come in," he urged her, stepping aside to allow the little ray of sunshine to enter. And that she did, lighting up the room like a 300 WATT florescent light bulb. It was so bright, the glorious, _perfect_ light beamed back through time and electrocuted Thomas Edison's kite, instantly inspiring him to invent electricity and the modern light bulb, and a whole bunch of other things while he was at it.

My goodness!" exclaimed Magdalena Arabella Rossette Yasmine Siena Ullenyetta Evalee, clasping her soft, slender, _perfect_ hands together, her elegant fingers intertwining like a lattice (a _perfect_ lattice, that is); "Why, what a quaint little lodging house!"

Kloppman nearly fainted, for he truly believed that his humble, rundown little building hardly deserved such a breathtaking compliment, uttered from such virtuous lips.

"I-It's r-really nothing," he stammered, then motioned towards the stairs. "Please, go up and introduce yourself to the boys."

The girl giggled and nodded – causing the poor old man to nearly have a heart attack – and flounced up the stairs. Each stair, upon contact with her foot, turned into one of pure, glittering glass, reflecting the light from the windows in such a brilliant way that it made her appear even more _perfect_ than usual – which isn't even possible, but that's how _perfect_ the moment was.

Magdalena Arabella Rossette Yasmine Siena Ullenyetta Evalee burst into the bunkroom, and instantly all eyes were on her. She pursed her lips nervously, and twiddled with her dress shyly – causing a fair percentage of the boys to be overcome with desire. Noticing this, Jack quickly took a protective stance in front of the innocent, sweet, _perfect_ girl, glaring at all the boys.

"Calm down, ya scabbahs," he said loudly. Race shifted so that he could peer around his bunkmate and at the hidden beauty. Jack looked over his shoulder at the girl. "What's your name, sweetheart?"

"Magdalena Arabella Rossette Yasmine Siena Ullenyetta Evalee," she replied promptly. Silence met her words.

Now, it wasn't that the boys thought her name was too long – because, trust me, it wasn't! It was the _perfect_ length. No, they simply thought that they did not deserve to say such a beautiful, elegant, enchanting, lovely, _perfect_ name such as hers.

"You have a nickname?" inquired Mush.

She thought about this for a moment, then replied: "Mary. Mary-Sue."

From his place on his bunk, Snoddy shivered at an ominous wind that only he could feel.

_Something about that lady just gives me the creeps…_

**!~!~!**

**Bwahahaha! Next chapter we'll learn a little more about Mary-Sue's tragic(ly perfect) past, but I'm sure most of you can already guess what it'll be. :P**

**Please review! :)**

**~ Christina Conlon**


	2. Carryin' the Banning

**Hey guys! Thanks for the _perfectly_ positive feedback. ;) I'm also very sorry for not updating earlier, but I was on Christmas vacation in Ohio and was unable to access the Internet long enough to post anything. From now on there should be more steady updates, though! :)**

**Time for some quick shout-outs for my first reviewers! :D**

Paisley the Flowergirl: **Just as an FYI, there were 35 variants of **_**perfect**_** used in Chapter 1, not including the one in the author's note. And I'm glad someone got the 'Ensign Sue' reference! Poor, poor Star Trek… that's where it all began. :P**

Austra: **Haha, thank you for such a **_**perfect**_** comment! ;D And please update YOUR Mary-Sue story, too! I'm dying of anticipation here! :O**

Blinksgoil92: **Yes, only the lowliest characters can realize the true evil of the Mary-Sue. :P Let's wish our dear Snoddy luck!**

**Now, on with the story! :D**

**!~!~!**

**Little Miss M.A.R.Y. (Sue)**

**Chapter 2 – Carryin' the Banning**

"Wear my shirt!"

"No, wear _mine_!"

"Here, wear my pants!"

"No, no, wear _my_ pants! They'll fit you better!"

"Skittery, that's a lie and you know it."

"Shut up, Boots."

Snoddy hugged his pillow closer to himself, peering down fearfully at the scene below. Upon hearing that Magdalena Ara- ahem, _Mary-Sue_, needed to disguise herself as a boy, every newsie in the Manhattan Lodging House had instantly scrambled to offer their clothing to her, like sacrifices to a goddess. Why she even bothered trying to cover up her curves, he had no idea, because even the most baggy shirt seemed to cling to her skinny-enough-to-be-anorexic (and yes, that was a compliment) body, and in all the right places at that.

Finally, Mary-Sue decided on one of Snipeshooter's shirts – which was at least ten sizes too small – Mush's pants and suspenders, and Racetrack's cabby cap. None of these boys seemed to mind that they were now missing parts of their only outfit, and all those whose clothes had been rejected assured the girl that she could borrow theirs anytime.

"Oh, thank you all so much," she cooed, beaming them a _perfect_ smile, causing many of the shorter boys to fall to their knees. Snoddy winced, the sheer sparkle of her pearly whites – which were quite out of context, considering the time period – searing the very makings of his soul with a painful burn.

At this moment, David Jacobs and his little brother, Les, entered the bunkroom. Upon laying eyes on the gorgeous, breathtaking, _perfect_ woman before him, David rushed forward, sliding to her feet on one knee, whipping out a diamond ring, which was sitting quite conveniently in his pocket, and presenting it to the girl.

"Beautiful angel, would you marry me?" he asked, eyes wide. Mary-Sue returned the stare; her sparkling diamond pools reflecting the commoner's face right back at him so _perfectly_, he seemed a thousand times handsomer than before.

Seeing that his precious, _perfect_ goddess was about to be swiped away from him, Jack knocked David to the side, presenting the girl with another ring, this one made of a strip of newspaper which he had speedily twisted and tied into a circle.

"No," he begged desperately, "marry me!"

Mary-Sue's _perfect_ gaze switched back and forth between the two young men, her eyes brimming with tiny, crystalline, _perfect_ tears.

"I-I can't," she choked out at last, her slender fingers raised to cover her unblemished, angelic lips, and sparkling tears slipping down her _perfectly_ porcelain cheeks; "Because you're both so _perfect_ for each other!" And then she ran gracefully from the room, delicate, heart-wrenching, _perfect_ sobs following her, fading with her glorious presence.

_Perfect for each other?_ Snoddy gagged at the thought. _It's just as I thought – that girl's a complete nutcase._

Meanwhile, Jack and David had exchanged a horrified glance – not because of the disgusting thing Mary-Sue had said, because everything she spoke was utterly _perfect_ – but because they had inadvertently frightened away the only thing they lived for.

"Nice going," hissed Jack, narrowing his eyes venomously.

"I'm pretty sure it was your fault," David shot back with equal venom. "Now someone's gotta go find her."

Snoddy only felt mildly surprised when every newsie raised their hand.

"Y-you know," he piped up from his bunk, causing all eyes to snap to him. "Maybe it isn't such a good idea if she… well, you know? Maybe she shouldn't stay here, with us."

Jack leapt to his feet. "_What_ are you talking about?" He snapped. "Of course she should stay with us!"

"Yeah!" agreed Specs enthusiastically. "We gotta protect her!"

Snoddy blinked in confusion. "From what?" he asked honestly. Boots rolled his eyes.

"She's obviously running from something terrible," he informed Snoddy as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why else would she come here?" added Mush.

"Duh," said Racetrack.

Snoddy furrowed his brows. "B-but this is a _boy's_ lodging hou-"

"You wanna know what?" interrupted Jack, pointing an accusing finger at the boy, causing him to flinch; "Slander against Mary-Sue will _not_ be tolerated here. Do you understand?"

"It's not slander," protested Snoddy, "I'm just saying that-"

"Slander!" yowled Skittery, eyes aflame with fury. Snoddy soon realized that the entire group was now glaring at him.

"You," Jack's voice was dangerously low; "Out."

Snoddy's eyes widened. "W-what?"

"You heard me. Out. Now."

"B-but…" Snoddy trailed off at the sight of several of his other friends nodding in stiff agreement. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and slid off the bunk.

"And leave the pillow."

Snoddy whimpered and tossed the pillow back onto the bunk. Then he shuffled awkwardly to the stairs. Kloppman was waiting for him at the foot of the staircase.

"I heard the entire conversation," he growled coldly, and hit the boy on the head with a newspaper, causing him to yelp in pain. "Don't you even _think_ of ever coming back, you hear me?"

"Y-yessir," the homeless orphan mumbled, and exited the lodging house with his head bowed.

**!~!~!**

After drying her tears with a pure-white, _perfect_ hankie, embroidered with sheer _perfection_, Mary-Sue stood from her place on a barrel beside the lodging house, which had turned to a treasure chest filled with rubies, diamonds, emeralds, sapphires, and pearl necklaces upon coming into contact with her _perfectly_ cute buttocks. She sniffled lightly, delicately, _perfectly_, contemplating the event that had happened only moments before. The mere thought brought more glistening tears to the corners of her eyes. So many men had proposed before – and three-fourths wouldn't take no for an answer – and she wondered if she would ever find the _perfect_ man for her.

At that moment, Snoddy came shuffling out of the lodging house, his eyes concentrating on the ground as he kicked a pebble across the pathway. Mary-Sue's eyes widened into round, _perfect_ diamond saucers at the sight. It was _him_, the one whom she had been searching for! He was absolutely adorable, and yet so glum and depressed, but Mary-Sue just knew that deep down inside, he had a soul that shone like the moon.

"Snoddy!" she wailed, throwing herself at him, her dress billowing _perfectly_ in the breeze, her hair and chest bouncing as she leapt into the air, her willowy fingers stretching out towards the boy. Snoddy shrieked in horror upon contact, struggling to break free from the vice-like grip. "Oh, my love! Oh, my darling! I've found you at last!"

Snoddy coughed and wheezed, spluttering at the mouthful of lace that threatened to choke him to death. His vision began to blur, his ears rang from the shrill voice that was confessing its undying love to him, and his nostrils filled with the sickening scent of peaches, roses, and processed sugar.

_This is it,_ he thought as his consciousness began to slip away. _This is the end for me…_

And then it was gone, and the boy stumbled back, one hand on his chest as he gasped for air, the other out in front of him to block another oncoming attack. Mary-Sue watched him with that adorable, _perfect_ expression of concern and admiration, and she took a shy step forward, cupping his grimy face in her pale, _perfect_ hands, and gently caressed it towards her. Snoddy felt a sick bile rise in his throat.

"Are you alright, my love?" she asked in a wispy, sweet, _perfect_ voice, her watery eyes filled with worry. Snoddy tried to wriggle free, but her nails dug into his cheeks like viper fangs.

"Yesh, yesh, I'm fwine," he said quickly through his squished fish lips. Mary-Sue let out a petite sigh of relief and stepped back, which made Snoddy sigh in relief as well.

"Thank goodness," she said, one hand resting on her large chest. "I would hate to see any harm befall you, my sugar plum."

_Sugar plum?_ Thought Snoddy nervously, but decided not to dwell upon the pet name too much. He had a feeling in his gut that the worst was yet to come.

Sure enough, Mary-Sue collapsed into a _perfect_ heap of lace and womanly charm upon the cobblestone path, tears streaming down her face in sparkling, _perfect_ rivers. The tears fell to the ground like delicate dewdrops, causing the stones to crack and a plethora of exotic flowers to bloom from the otherwise barren ground. Mary-Sue plucked one – an amaryllis – gently from its stem and nestled it behind her ear. Then she looked up at Snoddy with wide, glossy eyes, her unnaturally long and lush lashes batting at him.

"My past was… was absolutely awful!" she sobbed, covering her face with her hands.

"Um," began Snoddy hesitantly, "I didn't ask about your-"

"My mother died when I was born," Mary-Sue plowed on as though he had never even spoken; "And my father always blamed me for her death. S-so, he beat me, and… and raped me every day! He was always drinking too, and- and one day he kicked me out! But now he's chasing me, and will do _anything_ to get me back!"

Snoddy tried contemplated the logic of the whole backstory, but found that it made his head hurt.

"That's a very sad story," he told her at last. "I'm surprised you're so open about it. Normally someone who's had a life such as yours would be very depressed and tight-lipped."

"I know," she sighed, rising to her feet and brushing herself off – any dust or dirt attached to her dress turned to pure gold. "I've always had a bright outlook on life, and a child-like heart." She flashed him a pure, innocent smile, to which he flinched away. However, she seemed completely oblivious to his disgust.

"Well, I should probably go back and apologize to the boys for the scene I made earlier," she said decisively, and turned to go back into the lodging house.

"Wait!" shouted Snoddy, causing her to pause and turn back around, lips pursed and head tilted to the side.

"Yes?" she asked sweetly, _perfectly_, her voice flowing like silken honey. Snoddy glanced around nervously before continuing.

"You probably shouldn't stay here," he said at last. "It's a lodging house for boys, not girls."

Mary-Sue pondered this _perfectly_ for a moment, then nodded. "Very well," she agreed. "Thank you for being so concerned about me, my lamb!"

Snoddy winced. "No, I just-"

Mary-Sue placed a single flawless finger to his lips. Snoddy looked down at it in cross-eyed terror. "Shh," she whispered softly, leaning over so that her chest nearly spilled from her low-cut dress, and her shimmering golden locks fell around her face golden curtain of _perfection_. "Don't say a word; I understand, _mon cherie_. And don't worry; I know another place I can go."

"Oh really?" asked Snoddy hopefully, shaking off her finger. "Where's that?"

Mary-Sue grinned and nodded. "Yep! Brooklyn!"

Any hope Snoddy was clinging to dissolved instantly.

"C'mon," giggled Mary-Sue, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him (gently, tenderly, _perfectly_) towards the Brooklyn Bridge; "You can come with me, my little dove! I _know_ you'll want to protect me from the dangers of the night!"

Snoddy gripped his cabby cap on his head and gritted his teeth in panic.

_I'm doomed. Completely, utterly, undoubtedly doomed._

**!~!~!**

**Poor Snoddy! :P Will I ever end this torture? Ha, not likely.**

**Please review! :D**

**IMPORTANT: I thought it'd be fun for you guys to have a reason to review, so whoever bothers to count ALL the 'perfects' (and any variants thereof) and post the number in their review gets a special cameo in the next chapter! Do NOT count the ones in the author's notes, and don't worry; I'll cut you some slack if you're one or two off. ;)**

**Until then, I hope you all have a perfectly _perfect_ week! :3**

**~ Christina Conlon**


	3. Let's Speak Brooklynese!

**Wow you guys, thank you SO much for all the wonderful reviews! I didn't expect this story to be so popular. :P But I'm glad you all like it!**

**Alright, it's the moment you've all been waiting for… the official 'perfect' count of Chapter 2!**

**And the number is… 27! :O**

**A big 'Thank you' to everyone who counted! :) I'm gonna go ahead and let everyone have a cameo, since you were all fairly close.**

**Shout-outs! :3**

Manhattan's Pitbull: **Don't worry, I thought Pittie was a great character! She's was believable and funny. I, personally, liked her. :) Thanks for reviewing!**

LucyConlon: **Thank you for reviewing! And nice counting. ;)**

Blinksgoil92: **I'm glad you liked it so much. I hope you enjoy this chapter, too! :D**

Austra: **I know, right? I feel so bad for Snoddy. But will I stop the torture? Nope! XD I'm glad you liked it so much! I especially enjoy the lists of your favorite moments. Feel free to continue making those for future chapters! ;)**

Paisley the Flowergirl: **Yes, the mighty Brooklyn shall cower in fear at the feet of this monster! Haha, thanks for the review! ;) And don't worry; she'll be speaking even more… languages (if that's what you can call them) in the chapter to come.**

Orange Socks and Polka Dots: **Let me just start off by saying I LOVE your penname! 8D It's seriously one of the best, most creative, fun and utterly brilliant pennames I have ever come across on this site. Kudos to you! ;D And thank you ever so much for reviewing!**

**Alright, enough is enough. On with the chapter! :O**

**!~!~!**

**Little Miss M.A.R.Y. (Sue)**

**Chapter 3 – Let's Speak Brooklynese!**

Snoddy wasn't sure how it got dark so fast; because he was pretty sure it had been morning a few minutes earlier. And yet there it was, the sun setting past the horizon and the full moon rising to take its place.

"Brooklyn, Brooklyn, Brooklyn," sang Mary-Sue in her _perfectly_ melodious voice as she skipped down the oddly abandoned street, still clutching the poor boy's arm. "We're going to Brooklyn, yay!"

"Ah…" Snoddy panted, as they had been running for almost ten minutes; "Mary-Sue, I'm getting a little tired…"

"Here, let's take a shortcut, then," said the girl, and took a sharp – but _perfectly_ graceful – turn into an ominously dark alleyway.

"That's okay," assured Snoddy, now desperately trying to break free. "We could just stop and rest for a bit."

"Nonsense, my silly goose!" giggled Mary-Sue cutely, nimbly dodging the dead rats and trash heaps like a flawlessly _perfect_ ballerina. "This'll be so much easier, I promise!"

"I really don't think we should be here," mumbled Snoddy. Mary-Sue ignored him, and instead did a _perfectly_ professional arabesque over a sleeping drunkard.

All of the sudden, Oscar and Morris Delancey leapt from the shadows, blocking the duo's path (_le_'gasp, didn't see that one coming)!

"Hey there, dollface," sneered Oscar, stepping forward, his fingers wriggling like lecherous worms. "What're you doin' so far from your little lodging house?"

"Actually," piped up Snoddy, "she doesn't actually live there, because it's a bo-"

"Shut up, pipsqueak!" the younger brother snapped, grabbing him by the collar and wrenching him forward so that their faces were inches apart. Now, Snoddy wasn't really that small of a person, so he didn't really understand the insult, but was mildly offended by it nonetheless.

"J-just let us pass, okay?" he said desperately, eyes wide as he stared into Oscar's. "We don't want any trouble."

"No way," Oscar snickered, followed by a shrill – yet sweet and innocent and charming and _perfect_ – scream from Mary-Sue.

"He just touched my butt!" she exclaimed, her porcelain cheeks dusted with a cute blush. Morris remained silent as ever, but the evil grin spreading across his face spoke a thousand words.

Oscar cackled cruelly. "Just stay still, sweetheart," he said in a falsetto-sweet voice. "Lemme take care of your little friend here and I'll be right over."

"Snoddy, no!" wailed Mary-Sue, her diamond eyes melting into pools of sorrow and terror for her love's safety, huge, bubbling tears spilling down her cheeks.

At this point, all the noise was starting to get on Snoddy's nerves. His fingers – which had been wrapped around Oscar's wrists to keep him from causing more harm to his throat – twitched, and the knuckles turned white. His slightly overly-furry brows furrowed.

"I am tired," he began in a dangerously low voice. Oscar looked down somewhat cluelessly.

"Eh?" he asked dumbly.

"I am tired," Snoddy repeated, glaring up at the taller man. "I am tired. All I want is to sit down and rest for a moment, and you… _are getting in my way_!"

Before the younger brother had a chance to react, Snoddy lashed out blindly, managing to catch him with a left-hook. Oscar let go with a yelp of pain, stumbling back. Snoddy fell to the ground, stumbling a bit before regaining his balance and taking off down the alley.

"Snoddy darling, wait for me!" called Mary-Sue. From behind him, Snoddy faintly saw a flash of blinding light from his peripheral vision, and heard two simultaneous shrieks of excruciating pain. A moment later Mary-Sue was at his side. Snoddy blinked, slowing down to catch his breath.

"W-what happened to the Delancey brothers?" he asked lamely after a moment of silence. Mary-Sue shrugged cutely, causing the wind to sigh with pleasure.

"They got in my way," she replied, then engulfed the boy in a _perfectly_ adoring hug. "Oh, thank you for protecting me, my little French hen! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Snoddy let out a grunt as his face was smashed into her buxom chest. "It really wasn't for your sake," he assured her, though his voice was muffled.

Suddenly, Mary-Sue released him and pointed into the distance with one slim, _perfect_ finger. "Oh, and look, there's the Brooklyn Bridge!"

Snoddy looked up, and sure enough, there was their destination. Before he had a chance to protest, Mary-Sue had grabbed his arm again and was dragging him to the Bridge, then over the Bridge – and suddenly they were _over_ the Bridge, despite the fact that it was extremely long and took several minutes to cross by foot.

Then they were at the docks, and walking up the steps of the Brooklyn Lodging House, and it was _midday_.

_What? _Thought Snoddy blandly, but then realized there was no point and simply dropped it.

Mary-Sue bit her lip in the most adorable way, as though she were suddenly nervous. Then, she reached out and rapped on the door three times. The door promptly turned into a silver-plated dragon and flew into the sky, snorting fire and roaring majestically, leaving behind some magical golden glitter, which swirled around the air. Some of it landed in Mary-Sue's hair, and tipped her eyelashes, causing every blink to reflect the rays of the sun, making her look even more radiant and _perfect _than ever before.

What was left, Snoddy inhaled, causing him to sneeze several times in a row.

"Who's there?" came a voice from the shadows of the indoors. Mary-Sue spun around, a _perfectly_ shy little smile gracing her supple, cherry-red lips.

"Magdalena Arabella Rossette Yasmine Siena Ullenyetta Evalee," replied the girl without missing a beat. There was a pause.

"You got a nickname?" asked the voice.

"Mary-Sue," said Mary-Sue. Another pause.

"C'mon in."

Mary-Sue giggled and flounced _perfectly_ into the lodging house, Snoddy having no choice but to stumble along behind her.

"Pleased to meet you!" she giggled politely, one hand straightening out her lacey dress and the other extended in a sweet, childlike, _perfect_ wave. The boy – an unnamed Brooklyn newsie whom Snoddy had never met before – gaped at the sheer beauty and glory of the angelic goddess standing before him, with pixie dust sprinkled in her hair, and didn't seem to mind one bit that his door had just grown wings and _flown away_.

Snoddy couldn't take it anymore. It was all just too much. His vision became blurry, his head began pounding, and his eyes rolled to the back of his head as he crumpled gracelessly to the floor.

Unfortunately, the last thing he heard was a _perfect _cry of, "Oh, Snoddy!" before it all went black.

**!~!~!**

"Sunlight and seagulls…?" Snoddy mumbled under his breath. He blinked blearily into the light, squinting in order to protect his precious retinas. A seagull called out from overhead, circling him from high above.

But wait; he was lying down, so why was he _moving_?

"What was that, Snoddy dear?" came that honey-and-clover voice he dreaded so much.

"Help…" he croaked weakly, writhing awkwardly on… whatever was holding him.

"Shh, my pet," cooed the Devil in Disguise. "Just rest." Something cool and tingling stroked his forehead, causing him to flinch away and whimper helplessly.

"D-don't…" he pleaded desperately.

"Hush, hush," she whispered, leaning down and delicately, tenderly, _perfectly_ pressing her lips to his temple. Snoddy felt his stomach do a sickening flip, and he turned away sharply.

"Are you sure he isn't too heavy for ya, Miss?" a new voice questioned. Snoddy sat up slightly, looking around.

"Oh no," Mary-Sue assured the other boy cheerily, flashing him a perfect shimmering smile. "Anything for my love."

Spot Conlon, the owner of the voice, came around from the girl's other side, regarding Snoddy with a cool, somewhat dubious expression. Snoddy glanced away quickly, instead deciding to figure out what exactly was going on.

It was then he realized that they were walking along the docks, and Mary-Sue was carrying him like a baby.

Red instantly overcame his cheeks, and the Manhattan newsie desperately tried to escape the grasp, but this made the girl only tighten her hold, pulling him closer to herself – out of love and care and worry; which came from the very roots of her kind, giving, charitable, selfless, _perfect_ soul, of course.

"Please, do not try to walk," she urged him, resting her cheek against the top of his head. "Your wounds have not yet healed."

"I only bumped my head," he pointed out, but the words went right over Mary-Sue's _perfect_ little head, as she was now gazing down at the boy with warm, loving eyes.

"Oh Snoddy," she breathed, leaning in so that their faces were inched apart. Snoddy shot a nervous glance at Spot – who seemed to be oddly fascinated with the seagull above them – and leaned back as far as he possibly could.

Then, Mary-Sue's eyes lit up, and she declared loudly: "You look so _kawaii_ right now!"

Snoddy donned a blank look. "Eh?"

Mary-Sue let out a cute, sweet, _perfect_ giggle. "Oh, Snoddy-chan," she sighed dreamily; "You really are my samurai in shining armor, aren't you?"

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," answered Snoddy in complete and total honesty.

"Why, couldn't you tell? I was speaking Japanese!"

"But… why?"

Mary-Sue's laughter cute off abruptly. "What do you mean, 'why'?" she asked, her _perfectly_ plump lower lip sticking out in a _perfectly_ endearing pout.

"Well," Snoddy put a finger to his chin, tilting his head, as though he were taking a moment to think about his reasoning. "This… isn't Japan."

All this time, Snoddy had thought that nothing, _nothing_ could be more so totally terrifying and utterly horrific than Mary-Sue. He was sure that he had seen the worst, lived the worst, and that he had long since hit rock-bottom with this appalling woman entering his life.

But then again, he had never seen Mary-Sue angry.

It was only for a split second – a fleeting moment, in which her lips curved down, her left eye twitched, and Snoddy could've sworn that he had seen the gleam of razor-sharp teeth from behind her thinning lips. But then it was gone, replaced by an innocent smile, a cute tilt of the head, and a cheery little laugh.

"Oh, my pet," she giggled, hugging him to her chest, "you say the silliest things."

"Indeed," agreed Spot, randomly popping back into the conversation. Mary-Sue turned to face the Brooklyn leader, her eyes oddly cold – more icy than usual. And yet, somehow, even this expression was extremely attractive; it was appealing and sexy, alluring and defiant. It was, as per usual, _perfect_ for the given situation.

"Snoddy, my candlestick maker," murmured the girl, her gaze and overall stature softening as she turned back to her prisoner- er, lover; "Please wait here for a moment."

_Her pet names are getting more nonsensical by the minute,_ thought Snoddy. Mary-Sue bent down and gently, lovingly, carefully set him down at the edge of the dock, in front of some crates.

"What're you-" the boy began, but Mary-Sue swiftly placed a finger to his lips. Snoddy went cross-eyed looking down in fear and disgust.

"Don't worry about me," she told him, silently pleading with her large, glistening diamond-crystal-pools-of-sorrow-and-wisdom eyes. "I'll be fine; I promise."

"I could honestly care less," replied Snoddy, but with his lips squished inward it came out sounding more like: 'Meh shmeany meh'.

Mary-Sue gazed at him adoringly for a moment longer, then spun around to face Spot head-on.

"Don't you dare speak to me, you womanizer!" she commanded in a sudden mood swing, standing _perfectly_ proud and tall, legs placed at the _perfect_ distance apart, with one hand on her hip and the other pointing an accusing – but _perfect_ – finger at the smirking newsie.

Snoddy silently wondered how Mary-Sue could possibly consider Spot a 'womanizer', because he had never had a single girlfriend before – in fact, Snoddy couldn't even remember a time when Spot had ever mentioned even _liking_ a girl.

_How judgmental,_ he thought somewhat bitterly, glowering at the girl's back. _Not to mention stereotypical. Just because he's attractive and unapproachable doesn't mean he can get – or even _wants_ to get – any girl._

Spot's eyebrows shot up at the mention of his new title, but quickly brushed it aside with a sweep of his cane.

"Listen, dollface-" he began, but Mary-Sue cut him off abruptly.

"Don't call me that!" she shouted rebelliously, stamping her foot in a way that was _perfectly_ charming and delightful. "I have a name, you know!"

"Oh, yeah?" asked Spot, smirking. "Then what is it?"

Snoddy perked up, instantly noticing how in-character the Brooklynite was acting.

_Could it be…_ he wondered in desperate hope, _that he's immune as well?_

"Magdalena Arabella Rossette Yasmine Siena Ullenyetta Evalee," Mary-Sue replied, crossing her arms, her plump chest spilling over her arms and revealing some oh-so-scandalous cleavage.

Spot narrowed his eyes. "You got a nickname?"

"Mary-Sue. And I want to stay in the Brooklyn Lodging House."

Spot smirked and assumed a fighting stance. "Oh ya do, do ya? Well, only the strong survive here. Prove to me that you're worthy of a bunk, and I'll let ya stay for free."

"Got it!" nodded Mary-Sue with a _perfectly_ determined look on her face.

"Isn't it a boy's lodging house?" whined Snoddy, but he was ignored.

"Come at me, bro!" declared Mary-Sue. Spot looked confused for a second, but eventually decoded the futuristic phrase and, with a battle cry, charged towards the girl (because, y'know, it was totally normal to fight girls in 1899).

Mary-Sue nimbly dodged the attack, then leapt up and hung in the air, like Nero in _The Matrix_. A moment later she fell, slamming her feet into Spot's back as he stumbled beneath her. She then kicked him back to his feet and, using her _perfect _Doki-Doki-no jitsu Ninja Skillz, threw him a series of lightening-quick punches and kicks. Then she finally ended it all with a good ol'-fashioned slap across the cheek.

"You'll never touch me, you pervert!" she cried as the poor, dizzy, and thoroughly beaten boy went flying into a pile of crates and dead fish. She then spun around, eager to see her beloved's reaction. Needless to say, he wasn't exactly expressing much more than shock. She did a perfect curtsey and giggled cutely.

"Leave you kinda speechless, doesn't it?"

"Um." Replied the boy.

Spot groaned and sat up, rubbing his head. Then he set sights upon Mary-Sue, his eyes wide and sparkling with newfound puppy love. Snoddy's heart plummeted into the darkest depths of his stomach.

_It's no use… he's done for…_

"Youse can stay in the Brooklyn Lodging House," he said in a somewhat dazed manner. Mary-Sue spun around, her dress – still _perfectly_ pristine despite her recent excursions – billowing out around her like a flower in full bloom, and she pulled Snoddy to his feet as she went.

"My yuletide carol, Snoddy, must live here too," she told him, her chin raised, daring him to object. Spot shot Snoddy a death glare, before giving a reluctantly nod.

"Fine," he growled. Mary-Sue giggled, using a single delicate hand to cover her succulent lips; they unmarred despite her recent battle.

"Hooray!" she said joyously, skipping towards the Lodging House. "C'mon, Snoddy my sweet, let's go!"

Snoddy groaned and began to follow. Suddenly, there was a vice-like grip on his shoulder, causing him to double back, wincing with pain.

"I got my eyes on you," Spot hissed into his ear, before shoving him away and sauntering into the Lodging House after Mary-Sue. Snoddy watched him go, rubbing his shoulder and wondering what he ever did to deserve this kind of torture.

_There's no doubt about it,_ he thought, watching as Mary-Sue quickly gathered a group of Brooklyn fanboys. _Mary-Sue is most definitely a plowing force that will destroy life as we know it if she isn't stopped. And I guess only I can do that._

…_But how?_

**!~!~!**

**The end for now! :D I sincerely apologize for the wait. I had some trouble cranking this one out. But don't worry! The next one is already planned. ;)**

**I would also like to say sorry, because I couldn't let anyone cameo in this chapter. :( I'm really, really sorry, but there just wasn't a good place to fit anybody in without completely disrupting the flow of the plotline. But I PROMISE I'll fit as many people as I can in Chapter 4 – I already have several scenarios in which to place my lovely reviewers. ;)**

**Thanks for all the feedback, guys! Please don't stop – keep it coming! :D**

**Snicker bars and German fudge for anyone who reviews!**

**~ Christina Conlon**


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